Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
