I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
