Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
