Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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