Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
