have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
