He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
