shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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