Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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