My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
