don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
