Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
