Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
