Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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