the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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