one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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