I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
