last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
