I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
