My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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