is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
