hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
