There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
