what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
