just survived the first fart of the relationship.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
