My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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