Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
