Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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