So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't want my vagina anymore.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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