I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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