I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Enjoy the penises
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
