I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
