Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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