apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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