There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
