Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
