Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
