Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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