My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
