I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
