No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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