when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
