The maid of honor just puked.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
