I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
