I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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