I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
