i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
