Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize