I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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