I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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