Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
