WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
