Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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