I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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