Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize