If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
