I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
