my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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