your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
